love&mercy

the past few months well, i don't know i saw myself back in the bed of my first and he felt like a stranger but i needed the strain i saw myself blurry through the smoke in the mirrors, purple light around me, someone new by my side, chugging wine from the bottle and holding a cigar i saw myself in pain and taking sleeping pills i saw myself walking under the sunlight thinking here, this is it i now carry a mark on my side, and memories that make me laugh i picked up people in the way and dropped a few behind, i call it balance my phone's storage is full because school, work and boys, you never know what's gonna show up on my screen when it rings, and that's a healthy variety i don't think i have anything to hide, just don't look if you don't want to see because it's all out there, i'm always all of me i feel so the same and nothing like i used to be all at the same time, like i've never been better and also like i may be reaching new lo...

I reckon it's ok and that I've moved on, I don't think of you in the regular although sometimes your name escapes my lips and I have to catch myself before someone else does. And I still avoid your street. I can see your window from basically every balcony of this town, but then I remember standing there crying at 5 AM and the pain lessens, because none of this feels as bad as that hurt. The time we spent together and the time I wish we would've spent taught me I should not pursue people I don't really like. But there's one thorn on my side that I can't get over yet. Look, I suppose I wish you well and all, but you owe me, the months I cried for you the energy I put into trying to fix this the horrible things you said to me because you were 'in a bad mood' the pain of never knowing where we stood the sleepless nights wondering why. I'll be by the mailbox waiting for that check.