love&mercy

you know me, i laugh and i like to fun i make light of sad things and i smile when i cry but when it's just you and me all i feel is heavy i've been trying for months to make sense of this grief and the pain in my gut saying that i should run away well, today i know why  because there was always somebody else right at the beginning, the middle and the end yes, there was always somebody new or somebody old from your hometown or mine every step of the way i was losing you i feel like like a fool waiting around for you shutting everyone out and ignoring the signs while you're out for the third time this week i stay up, i drink wine, and i lie to my friends i call you six times, it's 5.30 again i'm just wasting my life away because there was always somebody else right at the beginning, the middle and the end there was always somebody new or somebody old from your hometown or mine every step of the way i was losing you  that's why you wouldn't hold my hand in ce...

your breath smelt like onions today, because we had burgers for lunch and i didn't mind, i embraced it, like it was the smell of home, like it only took me half a second to get used to you you smile and your eyes go all wrinkly and shiny and i can't control my heart every time you do this is so dangerous but also feels so natural, i'm almost drifting slowly towards you, away from the noise, the water's getting warmer and weather's changing too. every single love song i know comes to mind when i think of this beginning have i known you for 20 seconds or 20 years you're making my dreams come true and now that i've met you i don't think i will ever be the same at least i know for sure my body won't you took care of that thanks, by the way i love it.

the past few months well, i don't know i saw myself back in the bed of my first and he felt like a stranger but i needed the strain i saw myself blurry through the smoke in the mirrors, purple light around me, someone new by my side, chugging wine from the bottle and holding a cigar i saw myself in pain and taking sleeping pills i saw myself walking under the sunlight thinking here, this is it i now carry a mark on my side, and memories that make me laugh i picked up people in the way and dropped a few behind, i call it balance my phone's storage is full because school, work and boys, you never know what's gonna show up on my screen when it rings, and that's a healthy variety i don't think i have anything to hide, just don't look if you don't want to see because it's all out there, i'm always all of me i feel so the same and nothing like i used to be all at the same time, like i've never been better and also like i may be reaching new lo...

I reckon it's ok and that I've moved on, I don't think of you in the regular although sometimes your name escapes my lips and I have to catch myself before someone else does. And I still avoid your street. I can see your window from basically every balcony of this town, but then I remember standing there crying at 5 AM and the pain lessens, because none of this feels as bad as that hurt. The time we spent together and the time I wish we would've spent taught me I should not pursue people I don't really like. But there's one thorn on my side that I can't get over yet. Look, I suppose I wish you well and all, but you owe me, the months I cried for you the energy I put into trying to fix this the horrible things you said to me because you were 'in a bad mood' the pain of never knowing where we stood the sleepless nights wondering why. I'll be by the mailbox waiting for that check.